Off to College? Enter Here: The Changing Parent/Child Relationship
Life is full of transitions. Some are painful, some bring happiness, but all involve a change from "life as it was." Passing through these transitions can be likened to opening new doors in life. Sometimes, though, fear of the unknown can accompany us as we open the new door. For families, a significant life transition can occur at the stage when their young-adult child leaves home for college. The new experiences and pressures in this phase of family life can challenge the relationship between parents and child.
We, as mother and daughter, learned much from our own struggles to preserve what had been a happy, communicative and somewhat serene relationship. We found that other families at the same stage were going through similar experiences and decided to learn more. This led to our research and then the book, Doors Open from Both Sides, which is aimed at helping families navigate this eventful time of life. In our own case, we realized that what was an unaccustomed struggle to understand each other in our changing roles, eventually led to a stronger, more communicative relationship for us as adults. Doors opened to a renewed happiness in our lives.
The following suggestions are drawn from our book, with the hope that they will help new college students and their families keep their doors open to one another as they experience the various challenges of the off-to-college transition.
Busy Life through the Senior Year
The Revolving Door
Entering and going through the senior year in high school is like navigating a
revolving door: Attention needs to be focused on making a good exit. For parent
and child, the senior year is full of activities that focus on the student's
future. Paper work for college applications and decisions about school
selection will add to the pressures of the school year. Along with these
responsibilities for families come the excitement and fears of "What's
next?" It is during this time that challenging emotions begin to surface
for family members and parent/child relationships can be tested.
Mom's Tips for Parents:
- Through the whole process, be patient and help
keep the family lines of communication open. New anxieties about the
future can cause unfamiliar emotions to erupt and tempers to flair.
Understand that your child is subconsciously trying to learn to "let
go" as, indeed, you are. As parents, openly, but tactfully,
communicate any concerns to your child and encourage him/her to do the
same with you. You can still set some boundaries, but demonstrate growing
trust in your young adult and give him/her independent space and
responsibility. When (and if) he/she shares, listen to her/him, practice
patience in responding and keep the lines of communication open.
- As his/her high-school experience comes to an
end, understand the importance of friends to your child. As the college
departure approaches, seniors will probably want to spend more time with
good friends. There is comfort for them in bonding and sharing their anticipation
of the next step with one another. Devise ways to give them space and time
to be together.
- Plan meaningful family time together. Too
quickly, your college-bound child will be out the door. Make time for and
enjoy special moments together. If circumstances permit, plan a family
summer vacation, a long weekend or a special outing before the college
move. Make sure the event is one in which both the parents and the young
adult will be interested.
- Anticipate the emotions of the eventual
send-off. For all involved, the departure can be an emotional one that
sometimes can create serious feelings of anxiety, loss and fears of the
unknown.
- Before the send-off, develop agreement on
mutual expectations about grades and financial matters. Having a shared understanding
of these matters before the child leaves for school can help avoid
misunderstandings and challenges during the student's first semester.
Steff's Tips for Students:
- Know that your parents will probably get on
your nerves. Through this exciting, yet challenging, transition, try to be
patient with your parents. Trust me, those who have been through it
understand the sometimes overwhelming feelings that the senior year
provokes. The last thing you want is your parent breathing down your neck
about deadlines and "friendly reminders" (or sometimes
not-so-friendly). Believe it or not, they are as excited as you are.
Sometimes, they will express themselves in an "annoying" way,
but know that they mean well, and do not take offense. Rather, recognize
that through their experience of life, they can actually have great
suggestions that will be helpful.
- You will feel a need to spend much of your
time with your friends. You are about to leave them as you head off to
college. Enjoy their company while you can. If you explain this priority
to your parents, they might better understand, as long as it doesn't
interfere with other responsibilities.
- Keep in mind that along with you, your parents
might be feeling uneasy about the forthcoming separation. Find ways to
spend quality time with your family, when possible. Whether it is shopping
with Mom for school, attending events with Dad, celebrating special
occasions, or going on a summer vacation--enjoy being together. Believe me, you will miss your family once you leave home.
- If you are feeling unusually emotional or
troubled about leaving home, communicate these feelings. Leaving the
comforts of home, friends and familiar surroundings is not easy. Whether
it is in a private conversation with your parent, relative or best friend,
it helps to express your feelings. Almost always, you will be understood
and validated.
Freshman Year--Communication with Sensitivity
The Screen Door
A screen door allows for an open view, while at the
same time affording a degree of privacy. Similarly, communication between
parents and their child away at school should have openness in expressing
viewpoints but, at the same time, demonstrate mutual respect for privacy. For
both parent and child, the changes in the environment will necessitate extra
effort to maintain positive and supportive relationships.
Mom's Tips for Parents:
- Don't bug your student during the first
semester. Allow time for your student to comfortably adjust to college
life. Plan on staying in touch, but arrange a time that is convenient for
both of you to converse. Remember that
- Use the power of email. This form of
communication is an excellent way to communicate for both parent and
child. It is amazing what your student can and will share with you through
this medium. There is no parental negative tone of voice or body language
to which the student can react. We, as parents, can receive the messages,
react and have time to reflect before responding.
- Be aware of "signals" of unusual
behavior from you child. Look for hints of chronic homesickness or
persistent avoidance of communication from your child. If unusual behavior
is sensed, arrange to get help through the proper college channels.
- During your first visit to campus, understand,
as a parent, that you are now on your student's turf. This is a time for
enjoying his/her sense of role reversal. Allow for a healthy show of
independence.
Steff's Tips for Students:
- Stay in touch with your parents. It is
difficult to realize how important it is to our parents that we keep in
touch. They may worry too much, that's true, but trust that this is based
on love and affection. They have little control over what you do while
you're at school, so it won't hurt to take a moment to call and tell them
how you are doing. Participate in setting a convenient, agreed-upon time
once a week to talk.
- Understand the possible repercussions of
unnecessarily "unloading" problems on your parents. Once you
unload your problem on your parents, whether it involves school affairs,
relationships, homesickness, or just being unhappy, they will worry about
it even more than you do. Whether we like it or not, our parents take on
our problems, and it's sometimes difficult for them to let go.
First Visit Home
The Door Jam
The first visit home can bring warm feelings, excitement and, unfortunately,
confrontations. "Home sweet home" can take on new and different
definitions for parents and child when the latter settles in for this
particular, unpracticed first visit.
Mom's Tips for Parents:
- Be prepared for the first visit home to bring
challenges. Remember that when your student returns home for the first
visit, he/she will have changed. You might expect the same child who left
in the fall, but understand that your student will be returning home with
a good dose of independent living under his/her belt. This could be a time
to consider a sensible renegotiation of home rules to fit the needs of
all.
- Your child will probably sleep late for the
first few days. With finals usually just before vacation, your student
could be exhausted. Give him/her space and time to catch up on rest. Also
understand that most home beds are more comfortable than college beds!
- Make sure that you spend some meaningful time
with your child. Don't be surprised if your child wants to spend most
waking hours with former high-school friends. When possible, arrange time
for the family to be together. Whether it involves an activity or sport or
just having a meal together, this will give all family members an
opportunity to share views, discuss any differences and preserve an
appreciation for family values.
Steff's Tips for Students:
- Your first visit home might not be quite what
you expected. Anticipate some challenges to the way you behave. You've
been away at school for a couple of months. Perhaps you have developed a
schedule of sleeping late on weekends and strolling in at sunrise. You
can't wait to go home and enjoy the cooking and other comforts of home.
Understand that even though your sense of schedule might have changed,
your parents might not agree with you that a
- Be prepared for some initial awkwardness in
home-life when you return. Respect home rules. Your house has been more quiet while you were away, your room, neat.
Understand that this is still Mom and Dad's domain; let them know you
respect this reality.
With the right efforts by both parent and child, relationships through the college years can mature into a more open and constructive phase. Patience and open and thoughtful communication can be the keys to developing and maintaining a healthy relationship that will preserve itself as the family walks through the future doorways of life.
For more information, visit www.frombothsides.com.
Written by Margo E. Bane Woodacre and Steffany Bane.