Boston Globe

Nov. 24, 2002

College parents 'out of control'

Aggressive tactics may hurt student's shot at admission

By Jenna Russell

More students seeking acceptance to elite colleges are finding a surprising obstacle in their path - and it isn't low SAT scores or lackluster recommendations.

It's their parents.

Admissions officials at some prestigious universities say they are increasingly alarmed by aggressive tactics used by some parents, more of whom are making repeated phone calls and sales pitches, referring to their child's application as "ours," and even issuing threats.

And after years of quietly enduring it, a few admissions officers are beginning to push back. When admissions professionals from around the country gathered recently to identify emerging specialties within their field, they agreed that handling parents should be on the list.

"I was taken aback, but there was no dissent," said Barmak Nassarian, associate executive director of the American Association of Collegiate Registrars and Admissions Officers, which hosted the meeting.

Perspective is lost

At MIT, the dean of admissions has started meeting with groups of parents and advising them, politely, to back off.

"I'm going to be frank with you," Marilee Jones told about 50 parents at the Park School in Brookline, Mass., one night last week. "Parents of college students are out of control."

Jones, who has worked in college admissions for 20 years and is the mother of a ninth-grader, said too many baby boomers are living vicariously through their children and finding it hard to let go. Their controlling tendencies are made worse by anxiety as applicant pools expand and top colleges grow more selective.

Marlyn McGrath Lewis, Harvard's director of undergraduate admissions, agrees that more parents are losing perspective, and that cases of "extreme parental dominance" have increased.

Meddling backfires

They can also hurt their child's chances of getting in, Jones cautioned. Admissions staffers may develop grudges against badgering parents.

Brad MacGowan, director of college counseling at Newton North High School, said most college counselors can point to cases where a parent's meddling backfired and contributed to a rejection. "If a parent's making phone calls, how can it look good that the child can't dial 10 numbers and ask a question?" he said.

Among college admissions officers, theories abound over the behavior of parents: They weren't involved when their children were small, and this is their last chance. They've invested time and money in a child's resume. They want to brag to their friends, and bask in the glow of an Ivy League acceptance. They see other parents being aggressive and worry that they're not doing enough.

"They're so afraid that some other squeaky wheel is going to outparent them," said Linda Shapiro, a Newton-based college adviser and president of the New England Association for College Admissions Counseling.

Process criticized

Newton parent Jill Millis, whose daughter applied to colleges last fall, acknowledged that parents are overinvested in their children. But she also said the college admissions process, with its emphasis on early decision, has reached a level of competitive intensity difficult for a 17-year-old to handle alone. Millis served as an "organizational coach" when her daughter applied to colleges, keeping track of deadlines, lining up appointments and heading off "meltdowns."

"Kids are under such pressure," she said. "I felt I needed to step in and alleviate what I could."

In the Park School auditorium, Jones projected a list of "don'ts" onto a screen: Don't fill out applications for children. Don't make phone calls to admissions offices. Don't refer to "our" application (a phrase she hears five or six times a week). And most important, never threaten anyone.

In April, after MIT's admissions decisions went out, accepting fewer than 2,000 of the more than 10,000 who applied, Jones took 100 calls from parents who wanted to know why their children didn't get in. Five threatened to sue. "This year, there was so much meanness, so much rage," she said.

Experts said parents can find peace by letting go of the idea that an elite college is the only path to success. "We suggest parents look around at people they know and respect, who are living happy lives, and ask where they went to college," Shapiro said.

Jones has given her talk on parent etiquette about 40 times and says she doesn't mind if it's her title, and power, that make people listen.

"It is sort of a mission, to help these kids, and to help people my age loosen up."